i have a confession tonight - i am not doing 'alright'. normally, i will quarantine myself before this emo-ness and disillusion-ess becomes infectious, but tonight, i need to vent.
even as i joke and laugh in anticipation of acertainevent, i m cringing inside. little do you know that it takes so much effort for each smile and each laugh and each conversation. i feel lost & lonely. yes, even when i am standing in the middle of the room and all attention is on me, i feel lost and lonely - because i couldnt care less. i couldnt care less because this is not as real as it seems. because we are all ugly inside, we are all rotting inside. people say things that they dont mean. people do things to hurt one another.
it's so easy to love You Lord, because You did not betray my trust, because You did not say one thing but do another, because You died on the cross for sinners like myself. But it's so hard Lord, to obey and love Your people. yes, love is a choice. but God, when it takes so much energy to love someone, such that i become so drained and tired, i wonder if it's still 'an outflow of love' from You. if it's not, does that mean i can give up and stop trying? and if it's not, then what does it mean - does it mean that i don't love You enough?
no. i got to keep trying, keep on going, keep on loving like i have never been hurt before - just as how i battle sin everyday to please You. after all, the christian life is a daily struggle.
but tonight, (just for tonight, i promise) i am not doing alright. all my failures are playing like a film in my mind, and i cant get it out of my head. tonight, i give up and cry.
Lord, i stand before You now - all is stripped away and i am left standing empty and broken - seeking to find comfort in Your arms. oh God, i m human. i am only human, struggling and hurting daily because i am trying to be something i am not, because i am trying so hard to be like You. and i know You understand, You have went through it all. will You tell me what to do, where to go from here?
i am in need of You.
surely you are here with me. surely, you do not send me to where your grace does not cover me. surely, you will not put me through more than i can bear. there's got to be a reason for this. is this part of your bigger plan for me?
even as i joke and laugh in anticipation of acertainevent, i m cringing inside. little do you know that it takes so much effort for each smile and each laugh and each conversation. i feel lost & lonely. yes, even when i am standing in the middle of the room and all attention is on me, i feel lost and lonely - because i couldnt care less. i couldnt care less because this is not as real as it seems. because we are all ugly inside, we are all rotting inside. people say things that they dont mean. people do things to hurt one another.
it's so easy to love You Lord, because You did not betray my trust, because You did not say one thing but do another, because You died on the cross for sinners like myself. But it's so hard Lord, to obey and love Your people. yes, love is a choice. but God, when it takes so much energy to love someone, such that i become so drained and tired, i wonder if it's still 'an outflow of love' from You. if it's not, does that mean i can give up and stop trying? and if it's not, then what does it mean - does it mean that i don't love You enough?
no. i got to keep trying, keep on going, keep on loving like i have never been hurt before - just as how i battle sin everyday to please You. after all, the christian life is a daily struggle.
but tonight, (just for tonight, i promise) i am not doing alright. all my failures are playing like a film in my mind, and i cant get it out of my head. tonight, i give up and cry.
Lord, i stand before You now - all is stripped away and i am left standing empty and broken - seeking to find comfort in Your arms. oh God, i m human. i am only human, struggling and hurting daily because i am trying to be something i am not, because i am trying so hard to be like You. and i know You understand, You have went through it all. will You tell me what to do, where to go from here?
i am in need of You.
surely you are here with me. surely, you do not send me to where your grace does not cover me. surely, you will not put me through more than i can bear. there's got to be a reason for this. is this part of your bigger plan for me?
posted by shuk at
1:45:00 AM
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