Gal 1:15-16. when called by His grace, to confer not with flesh and blood.

when making a decision, there is no need to consider any other nitty gritty details that our intellectual mind tells us, for only His small still voice is the voice of truth. faith is not intellectual; faith is a forceful and determined act to to commit and surrender feelings and logic to His calling.

to step out in faith,
confident that He is my rock.

sinking feelings

i want to sleep it off,
but it's rather hard.

i want to shake my mind off it
but it's staring into my face.

i want to ignore it
let my mind and will take over
but it's difficult.

headaboveheart.
headaboveheart.
headaboveheart.

come on

with Him wanting the best for you,
you can do everything.

right now my stomach feels like it's flipped inside out
it's the same awful feeling i had when i first left sg
i cant wait to come back again

when the desire is too much to bear, we often bury it beneath frenzied thoughts and activities or escape it by dulling our immediate consciousness of living. it is possible to run away from the desire for a dinner/lunch, sometimes even a few days, but we cannot eradicate it entirely. it keeps touching us in little glimpses and hints in our dreams, our hopes, our unguarded moments. even though we sleep, our desires does not - it is the essence of who we are.
i have come to a crossroad whereby i am forcing myself to continue walking, letting go of some desires, some hopes and some dreams, some parts of the familiar old me that i have grown used to. i know it will be alright eventually and paths will be made straight, but i need to surender myself to Him now in order to rediscover myself.

dont look back, just follow Him.

i want everything to be the way it was. i tried hard to say the right things, to choose my words graciously with understanding, patiently with love. i willed myself to suppress negative thoughts and i fought offensive anger with silent prayers. and yet, perhaps, emotions did got the better of me eventually, and i said things i don't mean, words that tore down and damaged.

this is too hard. i feel like giving it all up, say goodbye and take the easier way out. keep my foolishpride, stick my nose into the air and walk away. but no, i can't let thisblessing be taken away from me!

i analysed the situation and tried to be objective and logical, only to realise that i have absolutely no idea what the root of the problem is - i am confused. was it me, or was it you? is it because i was too honest to the extent to being insensitive and offensive, or was it because i was being too sensitive and over-reacting? have i weighed yu down with unrealistic expectations? i don't think either of us are unreasonable or quarrelsome by nature. i know we both respect and love each other, and surely we hope the best for each other. then why is it that we often argue? i once heard arguements are the best communication tools... ha.

though i am confident that we both want things to work out for the better, i don't know if this will leave a lasting mark, a crack in theblessing. i certainly hope not, but i know it takes two hands to clap, two hearts to be comforted, two minds to agree.

and this should really be a much smaller issue in the face of other giants in my life that i have to find courage to face. i am having such a difficult time caught between D&M. i wonder if it's like this too when they quarrel and shout at each other. i wonder if they too regret saying things they dont mean to each other. if they do, why will this be going on for months?

helpless, i can only crytoYou, hope and pray.